Sunday, September 22, 2013

Losing Our Blog Virginity (Again) - A


Hello to our new readers, our old ones, our friends.

Hello to my old life, all over again. Hello, A.'s sexuality, forever rooted in the written word.

It's been too long.

When I was young, my dad and I would go hunting. It was really just camping, while carrying guns, which we occasionally used to try and shoot animals, miss, and laugh. But coming back every few months was always a surreal experience. Pull up in the truck, shut off the engine, and suddenly after hour of road noise, wind, and motor... Silence.

Then getting out, stretching stiff legs, and walking. Each step seemed louder than anything, simple because it was surrounded by nothing. And opening the door to the cabin, which had lain still for months, seemed almost spiritually wrong. The silence and stillness clung to every beam and rafter, every mason jar and cobweb, and we broke it into pieces with every step.

Even though I am not sitting on my laptop, on a stage at work, typing this while wearing a polo shirt that I think looks funny on me, I'm getting that feeling again. I have our old blog sitting up on another tab, and even though this is a virgin webpage I feel a bit of history.

I am A, and my spouse is S. We are newly married, younger, and trying to go back in time a little bit. When we had our last blog, , we were daily talking about sex. We couldn't keep our hands off of one another, we were happy and passionate, we were exploring and pushing our boundaries so far that we were having orgasms to the most amazing, sex filled scenarios we could. Sex became a part of our daily conversation, a part of our collective identity, and a part of our love. It was happy, unbridled, and flowing with a bright life.

But take that relationship, add some time, medical issues, betrayals of trust, conflict, fighting, stress, stress, STRESS, and a heaping spoonful of lack of communication, and our relationship has fallen. It didn't shatter when it fell, it didn't break. But it bruised, like an apple. And it's been sitting on the floor, being kicked. Being hurt.

We've made it better. In the past few months we have started to dust our relationship off. We've let a few bruises heal. We have started to let the stress go. Our fights are still happening, but I've learned to bridle my temper and pull the reigns hard. Without both of us feeding off the other's rage, our conflicts fizzle. Our touches have come more frequently, our kisses longer. We talk a bit more, and I say a bit more. I've tried to keep my ears open to S as much as possible, although fatigue has been keeping me distracted.

And most importantly, we actually have sex. We actually make love now. We participate, we fantasize, we moan and throw our heads back in pleasure. Our bodies have opened to one another again as our minds and spirits did the same.

And now, here I am, re-starting a blog on sex, sexuality, sexual education, talks on love, talks on life, fantasies, and fictions. I am opening the door to the cabin again, disturbing the stillness. I'm breaking the silence, blowing off the dust, and re-igniting my own sexuality, forever tangled with words on pages.

I'll be posting again soon. I'm happy to be here.