For the past few months, I have been re-discovering sexuality.
So far the journey has been rewarding, albeit slower than I wanted to. I pictured myself as a Conquistador, armed with a giant dildo-sword and brandishing a copy of The Guide to Getting it On as my shield. I would ride into the jungle, hacking away the vines of apathy, stress, and lethargy and discover hidden troves of orgasms gilded in gold, until at long last I would have uncovered a great Temple of Intimacy, where naked girls and attractive men waited on my partner and I for the rest of our days, and we would eat grapes off the vine and laugh as great orgys commenced under a blood-red sunset.
But the process is not nearly as glamorous. I have started to fantasize again, and have gained a great deal of clarity about my own desire and wishes. I have felt arousal quite a lot more, and had stronger erections and sex drive.
My progress with my partner has not been nearly as quick, but I have identified a few of my own shortcomings in our sex life and I'm building up the nerve to remedy them. After so many months of very little sexual communication, I'm finding myself incredibly nervous and anxious about initiating anything lately. I have managed to follow through, but have been met with unenthusiastic reactions to some of the smaller things I have attempted. This has made me gun-shy about trying the bigger things, like initiating in public and starting sexting conversations during the day. I'm not going to stop or let that discourage me, though. It's something that I and my partner have fallen out of the habit of. I can't expect anything to blossom and for me to not feel nervous! Those are just vines to cut, rivers to ford, walls to slowly climb until I reach the top with bloody fingers and behold the glorious shine of all the riches of the Kingdom of Indulgence!
I got carried away there. Let me get back on track...
My latest re-kindling was between me and my butt.
I am a bio-sexed male who identifies as bisexual. This means I have a prostate and am very open to playing with it directly! Up the butt, please!
I used to do prostate massage almost every time I showered, after I would trim my pubic and anal hair. This made showers pretty awesome for me, since I would come out smooth, lubed up, and a little turned on. There are, of course, days where time is of the essence, but I try to make those the exception.
I really enjoyed this prostate play. It was easy, I was relaxed from the hot water, I could clean off any excess lube that would just be staining my underwear, and I would be all set for better orgasms that day. This was made all the more worth it by my nightly play with S over webcam, where she and I would have long mutual masturbation sessions and teasing play.
But during our darker sexual times, where our intimacy ground to a virtual halt of happening sporadically every few weeks on average, there wasn't much drive to pursue this kind of play. It slowed to once a week, then once a month.
Finally, during a stressful week, S found my lube in the shower from the previous day's play and confronted me, thinking that I had jacked off in the shower rather than be with her. She did catch me doing exactly that in one of my more shameful moments so I had no real defence. That particular time had been just a simple massage, and nothing more though. I didn't try to deflect the accusation, and mad at the situation of being forced to re-live my own guilt over past actions due to innocent, coincidental circumstances, I took the lube and shut it away.
I stopped anal play entirely. n that fit of stress and depression. I willingly deprived myself of a simple physical pleasure. I am not proud of this. I am not trying to be dramatic or victimize myself. I made poor decisions about my own sex life, and I want to try and steer anyone else away from them. Please, no matter how stressful or dark it may seem, keep your sexual life an active priority. You do not want to be where I am with my partner, trying to rebuild after months of time lost.
But this story does get better, I promise. Let me take you back in time, to yesterday...
I pulled open the shower curtain and started the hot water. I had worked out, eaten a light breakfast, brewed some terrible coffee, and fed our pets. I had an hour before work, and was going to enjoy getting ready in a leisurely manner. I even queued up a podcast for listening after my shower while I brushed my teeth and cleaned up a little.
The steam started to build up, and our kitten left to our bedroom to cool off, mewing her disdain at me. I waved her off, knowing that I wouldn't have to deal with tiny kitten knives. I was just about to hop in when I felt like I received some strange mental message, something that had been nagging at me for weeks but I couldn't quite place.
Why don't we play anymore?
Hmmm. I hadn't played with my butt in a long time. In fact, it felt like forever. I shrugged. Why not?
I pulled up a picture of S on my phone, one she had taken for me a few days before. It was her in a sheer bra, and I quickly felt myself get a little bit aroused. I grabbed some leftover silicone lube from an older bottle, and hopped into the shower. I went through my cleaning routine, and finally it is time.
I grab the lube.
I drop it because, well, lube.
I pick it up again.
I put a generous amount on my hand. Seriously generous, because it's been a while.
I had already shaved down there, so I knew my ass was smooth. I had been eating my kale. Everything was perfect.
I slipped a finger in and...
You know how people say you never forget how to ride a bike? How, after years of being without, you can hop back on one and balance perfectly, pedaling happily along?
Well your ass doesn't forget how to ride one either.
After about two seconds of tightness, it was glorious. Everything relaxed, the heavens sang, and I was able to give myself a wonderful little prostate massage. Not the most mind blowing one ever, not the longest one ever, but still wonderful. I got out of that shower beaming from ear to ear, happy as can be about my results.
I skipped today, but intend to do another massage tomorrow. I intend to make this regular, but don't want to overdo it right away. Wish me luck!
P.S. I get bonus points for writing this while I work audio for a meeting that has devolved into gay-bashing and talking about how homosexuals are mostly pedophiles.